Changes

My little brother is gone. Ok, that sounds very dramatic. He's actually in Baltimore, where he has relocated for a job. I didn't think I would miss him...that much. And, I don't even miss him yet; He's only been gone a day. But, I am sad, more than I thought I would be. It seems like the first step in the scattering of my family, that I always knew would occur. Except, I always thought I would be the one to leave. Instead, it is my baby brother and his wife, who I adore. And, it seems so far...the other side of the country. 4 1/2 hours by plane plus the 2 or 3 hour time difference (depending on the time of year). Not the easiest weekend jaunt. It's actually the same distance in hours as it is to my parents' place in Alpine, and I know how hard it is to do a weekend trip up there even with no time change. I think more than anything, I realize that I have taken the close vicinity of my family for granted. My siblings and I have lived within 5 miles of each other for years, and I rarely saw them outside of holiday functions. And now it is too late and that makes me sad. Dan and Gio are also trying to get out of Phoenix, as far as I know anyway. They have been tossing around the idea of leaving the country. What happened to the days when families stayed near each other? Even with minimal face to face visits it is nice to know my entire family is a short drive away. I'm grieving the loss of that...it hurts more than I imagined.

Slow Moving Nudity and Lettuce

I have many reoccurring dreams. Frequently, I dream that I am suddenly naked and can only move in slow motion despite an enormous amount of effort. Of course I have Googled the secret meaning of my dreams and this is the message being sent to me via the unique electroencephalogram changes indicative of sleep: I am feeling powerless, frustrated, and anxious. My life is so hard that I am practically immobilized by stress. I am suddenly naked because I feel vulnerable and shameful. It is likely that I am also afraid of being discovered for what I really am. I am afraid of judgment and ridicule. Fortunately, in my dreams nobody seems to notice or care that I am naked, so according to my Google search, my fears of vulnerability and exposure are unfounded. Thank God!

A more recent reoccurring dream involves me chewing on lettuce. I was shocked to find "lettuce" in the dream dictionary. Apparently, I am either lacking in spiritual nourishment or real "vitamin type" nourishment. Or, it could mean that I am seeking the approval of someone...The fact that I am chewing means I am sorting things out (I could have guessed that). I wish this dream would stop, because my jaw hurts in the morning and my mouth guard has a hole!

I have my own ideas regarding my reoccurring dreams. I am naked and moving slowly because, yes I am afraid of judgment. I am afraid of criticism and imperfection. I'm not sure about the whole idea that I am afraid my true self will be identified. Although, Hez might think differently :) I suppose I'm not good at deep verbal expression, I hold things in, I toss ideas around in my head for a ridiculous amount of time. Hey! Maybe that is why I am chewing on lettuce? But, I don't think I am harboring a strongly rooted alter ego. An even more simple explanation for my nudity in dreams is that I find clothes confining, yet I am less than thrilled with the idea of my body being exposed. Why can't I move as I am standing naked in my dreams? Masochistic punishment? Or maybe, I should use it as motivation to sculpt my body so that I am not ashamed. Bring it on Bodyrock.tv!

Thank you housing crash and recession

I'd like to take a moment and truly thank the housing crash and recession. Now, I might sound a bit of kilter, but I am serious. Of course, my heart goes out to those that lost a lot, if not everything, because of this economy. However, I am blessed to be young and lucky. I am not the only one who has been impacted positively by this recession. For the first 2 years of the housing market crash I watched the carnage around me, disconnected from the reality of so many others. Our house on Catalina stayed afloat. At first we sailed high above the rising waters of negative equity, then we began to slowly sink but we did not sink...until this previous year. I have now become a homeowner with absolutely NO equity in my home. I am surrounded by kindred souls. Of course, I have weighed my options...walk away? short sale? rental property? But, what I have learned is patience. I have learned that we don't NEED a bigger, fancier, more perfectly located house just because we can. I have become content with what we have. We became more creative...What can we do to make this house, that we can't sell, our home? Rather than leaving and moving on to a higher mortgage payment we have molded the space of the house into OUR space. We have designed our bathroom specifically for us. We designed the yard for US. Everything we put into our house is for US with no concern over pleasing a future buyer, because the truth is, it might take over 10 years for us to even try selling to break even. And that's OK, because we get to design our environment with FULL knowledge that we will never remake the money.

This recession has also taught me that planning for the future is crucial. I don't look at the dollar in the same way anymore. I consider my spending more carefully and I have become evermore motivated to save and save and save because I know I won't have social security to depend on when I'm 65. And credit cards!! I hate them and will not use them unless I can pay them off immediately. It is so clear to me now, that I can't afford to pay interest because that interest payment could be going to my retirement. There is no doubt in my mind that tragedy can strike and I can be homeless in a matter of months, unless I pay attention to my financial habits. When the economy was growing in leaps and bounds I never stopped to think about losing it all. Now, even with an amazing career, which I am so blessed to have, I am aware that it could all be lost in the blink of an eye.

So, economy thank you for making me stay put for a while, for forcing me to be creative in the space I have, for making me save money and never use credit cards. Most of all, thank you for showing me how blessed I am in my life.

Exorcisms etc.

I think my patient needs an exorcism! I don't know how I feel about exorcisms, except that I have always been extremely disturbed by the thought. I have never watched the movie "The Exorcist" because I believe in good and evil. I believe in God and Satan. Therefore, movies with demonic possessions give me nightmares and create a hypervigilence in me to never accidentally allow myself to be possessed. I can't explain exactly why I believe my patient needs an exorcism. I can't put my finger on what is really wrong with her. I've diagnosed schizophrenia, but her symptoms are so bizarre and chilling. In her eyes I see a type of evil that can't be explained. Yet, I also see a terrified and tragic young girl who will cry the occasional tear. (not tears of blood thank God) Zyprexa or an exorcism? I really don't know.

Yoga Moves, Bites, and Villains

To summarize my week in words can never pay due respect to the insanity (no pun intended) of the last 5 days. There are numerous reasons why I love my job, but decidedly two of the top reasons are that it is NEVER expected and NEVER the same. There is no black and white; no algorithms; no expectations; and no preparation. People always ask me how I can do what I do. How can I not?! How many of you close your eyes and see the Hamburgler speaking in a Jack Nicholson voice? I bet you have never even thought of the possibility. My patient did. She was not crazy. By the way, I use the term "crazy" with no disrespect. In this case, for an unknown reason, her TBI (traumatic brain injury) generated visions of a small villain who stole hamburgers. He disappeared when she opened her eyes and was generally not a bother to her. I reassured she was not crazy, we laughed, and the consult was done. Can anyone explain this phenomenon? I doubt it.

Now picture this: A small-framed, young female who is unable to use her legs due to a previous spinal injury. Psychotic...REALLY psychotic...somehow falling in a controlled manner from her bed to the floor. But wait....she is doing a handstand with her legs crossed above her. See this website for a better visual http://www.yogini.jp/monkey/item_43.html So, while in this position she manages to quickly "walk" down the hall, pull the fire alarm, and bite 2 nurses. Moments later she is cross legged in bed and singing. I can't make this up.

How could I ever do another job?

Babcia

I was going through a drawer of things, which is something that I try to do several times a year. I don't want to ever run the risk of starring in Hoarders! In fact, for me, clutter and "things" can derail a perfectly good mood. I believe in Feng Shui even though I know very little about the ancient Chinese system of aesthetics. I have to believe that Feng Shui is what guides the minimalists of the world. I doubt that Feng Shui would approve of junk drawers, no matter how balanced, or nick-nacks collecting dust. But, I have gone way off subject. The point is that I was cleaning out a drawer, which led to cleaning out an armoire. I came across a small gift that was given to me by my Babcia (grandma) for my 1st college graduation. Almost immediately tears blurred my eyes as I was overwhelmed with thoughts of my Babcia. I remembered how she smelled and how the skin on her hands felt. She had soft hands with crooked knuckles that she attributed to a short stint as a non-believer of Western medicine. Simply by holding the small statue I experienced years of time spent with my Babcia. I was taken back to her house that she lived in before moving in with my aunt. I remembered the quails and the way she had certain things rigged to make her small stature less of a hindrance. I could remember every detail of her house.

I put the statue back in the armoire. I took it back out. Put in the "get rid of" bag. Took it out of the "get rid of" back. For some reason I had a terribly hard time getting rid of the small statue because I felt like I was getting rid of a piece of my Babcia. Ultimately, the statue made into the recycle bin. I don't know if it can really be recycled but it felt better than the "get rid of" bag. I know that my Babcia is not part of the statue but it is so difficult to part with anything that reminds me of her. But, the truth is that there is nothing that will ever blur my memory of her. I have carefully chosen a few items that were once hers, or gifts from her, to keep. I will never part with her ruby ring that she gave me. I wear it on days when I need extra strength or just want to feel her extra near, but I know that even without the ring she will never be far from my thoughts. Things are ultimately just things but my memory and love for my Babcia will never disappear.

Much time has passed since my last post...I still am not ready to write again. I have a lot to say but I can't put thoughts into words right now. Soon though.