jej-men-t-l

Judgmental: [jej-men-t-l] adjective: characterized by a tendency to judge harshly. My name is Dawn, and I am sometimes judgmental. I am powerless over this trait and have come to realize that there is a higher power who can restore my compassion. I will turn my life over to that power, admit that I am wrong and make amends etc etc. I am kidding...kind-of. I do judge people, I believe it is natural. There are so many times that I consciously tell myself, "Dawn, do not judge this person". At least not until I have gathered adequate evidence to support my judgment. :) There is a purpose to my rambling.

For all who read this blog...anyone other than my mom? I have an exercise to share. Imagine you are 25 years old (I know it's been a while mother) You grew up in a dysfunctional family, like many people do. Your dad was gone or drunk and your mom stayed in bed much of the time. Somehow you made it through high school and went to college. You moved across the country to do better for yourself and got a job. Not a great job, but a steady Ok paying job. You lose contact with your family back home. Your mom calls but she burdens you with her problems. You begin to notice a decrease in your energy and you realize that you have called in to work over 5 times last year. You get a written warning about your attendance. Your friends aren't calling much and it occurs to you that you have been pretty flaky about spending time with them. It must have been at least a month since you last attended a happy hour...no wait! It's been 3 months and 2 weeks since you last went to happy hour. You remember the exact night, because you left early, you were tired and frankly you just wanted to be home. Alone. Time passes, your apartment is disorganized with a curious odor. You've lost weight. Your reflection is not you, rather it is a diminutive version of you clothed in crumpled pieces of fabric with a despondent expression worn across your sallow face. You don't go to work that day. Or the next or the next. You actually do nothing. Until, with one final iota of hope you call your old friend for help. She doesn't answer. You compile a collection of every pill you can find in your now dilapidated apartment, grab a bottle of wine, and swallow swallow swallow.

You momentarily gain awareness and hear the laughing, mocking voices of who you believe to be the ambulance crew. You are restrained. It doesn't matter. You have no desire to move. You drift away again...until you are being stripped naked by at least 4 or 5 different people. They are kind of rough and laughing. In the distance you hear somebody say in a disgusted voice "We have another psych in 216." Somebody else "Too bad they didn't succeed" "Should've done a better job" "Probably another druggie" Your tears begin to cascade down your pale, slightly emaciated face. Then you realize everyone can see you. You realize that you are being displayed in the middle of a busy nursing zone hallway, wearing only a gown and with your new security buddy at your side. Then you hear..."I'm with psychiatry, why are you in the ER?"

Judgment. My patients are always being judged. They are seen as less than deserving of care in the health care arena. The are relegated to hallways and denied their dignity. It must be their faults for getting so "messed up". "If only they wanted to get better". I fight constantly for just a morsel of respect from staff. And I am met with resistance as if my patients have no right receiving health care. I am challenged by people who think it is perfectly acceptable for me to ask a person extremely personal questions in the hallway, because "psych patients aren't really sick and rooms are only for sick people". They are frequently disregarded as "just psych". They are ignored for hours. I recently found a patient who had been in the ER for over 15 hours waiting for me to clear him/her. I walked in and saw a critically ill person, frothing at the mouth. Hello! Somebody pay attention to this! This "psych" patient went to ICU.

They are judged every day of their lives. Judged by people who have no idea what their life story is. Judged by people who might also be just shy of an all-consuming mental illness that will wreak havoc in their lives. So, yes I judge too, but I make a concerted effort every day to hold my judgment, at least until I can gather the facts. Even then, I remind myself that a mentally healthy person does not self harm for attention. Not all drug addicts come from bad families. Not all felons are dangerous. Mostly, I try to remember that most people deserve respectful care when in the hospital. I said most, not all, because there are some people that really are just bad people and have provided me with enough evidence to justify judgment!

Lastly, to anyone out there who is quick to judge the mentally ill, remember the average age of onset for severe mental illness (bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, major depressive disorder etc.) is up to age 35. And major depressive disorder spikes again later in life. You never know when it might be you lying in that hallway.