Life Changes

Life can change in the blink of an eye. This isn't a new thought but it has never meant as much to me as it does now. While 2011 hasn't been terrible, it certainly hasn't been smooth sailing. I have learned a lot about human behavior and response to difficulty. I have responded to situations in far different ways than I would have ever expected. I have been inspired by the way other people have responded to their own trials. Throughout my life I have found comfort in the words my parents used to alleviate my childhood anxiety, "God doesn't give you things you can't handle". I'm sure those weren't the exact words but you get the point. So, of course I believed that I was safe from serious illness or trauma..."NO way could I handle cancer or major surgery..." But then again I was pretty sure that I would slip into a very deep depression, necessitating a feeding tube for nutritional needs, when Paisley died. I somehow managed to grieve the loss of my soul dog while maintaining my adult duties, which included eating.

Now I will likely be faced with  the subjects of my worst nightmares. Since learning of the hole in my heart I have done what any dedicated nurse practitioner and knowledge seeker would do. I have read EVERYTHING about congenital heart defects. That right there is a shocking thing by itself. I have a congenital heart defect...it sounds strange. I know all about the 3 types of ASDs and the associated defects. I know why people aren't always diagnosed in childhood. I know the difference between PFOs and PDAs and VSDs and ToF and PS and PVR and Mustard procedures and OHS etc. I know that there are only 2 ACHD clinics in AZ. I know that ACHD stands for adult congenital heart defect. I know about shunts and pressures.  I am also beginning to believe that I might not have any idea what "normal" is related to cardiac health. Things that I thought were totally normal or possibly related to high anxiety are actually more likely caused by this damn hole in my heart. Seriously, it is not normal to feel your heart beating ALL of the time?!

Unfortunately, it is the things that I don't yet know keeping me awake at night. Wednesday can't come soon enough! I can't wait to have a moderately invasive and highly uncomfortable (if I am not properly sedated) test completed so that my cardiologist can tell me exactly what kind of hole I have, how big it is, where it is located, and how it will need to be fixed.  No matter what, I just want it fixed NOW. I want to move past this detour in my life and recover. I am excited and full of optimism that if I no longer have a hole in my heart I just might turn into a VERY active person. With 6 pack abs and the ability to run a half marathon even though I hate running! Maybe I will develop a love for pounding the pavement. How cool would it be if I were able to hike without fear of quitting early or embarrassing myself with a slow pace? I have just accepted in life that I wasn't blessed with amazing athletic ability. For the most part I have payed attention to my fitness throughout life but was always perplexed with the disconnect between my effort put forth and objective measures of physical fitness. So the constant "what if I need open heart surgery to repair my heart" question that is circling in my head is tempered with my hopes of becoming an amazing sheet of muscle!